Ask Cherie
ASK CHERIE is an advice column for the transgender community. Any responses given do not reflect the views of the publisher, our advertisers or our staff and references to legal sources are not in any way to be deemed or construed as the rendering of legal advice. All submissions become the property of Cherie Austin.com and all are contributors whose questions are answered in this column are identified by initials and location only. Not all submissions will be answered on the website. Send your questions and comments to .
M.R., Jackson, MS: I hang out at a night club that is TG friendly. The other night, I ran into two of my friends who have been crossdressing as long as I can remember and coming to the club on Thursday nights, which are basically offered by the club to cater to them. We got into a conversation about your website and one thing led to another and I got into an argument with them over whether they were transgender or not. They insisted they were crossdressers, not trangenders. I disagreed. I told them I'd ask you. They're probably going to read your answer.
Dear Mr. MR: You should have put money on it! Not to reflect ignorance on anyone's part, but just to make sure, I consulted with a psychologist that specializes in Gender Identity Disorder and a transsexual who I consider an authority on the subject; both of them concurred that the term "transgender" is an umbrella term that covers virtually anything having to do with the innate desire to cross over to the gender of the opposite sex on any level ... that includes crossdressing. Trans is the prefix for "across" ... across ... gender. Most crossdressers don't like to think of themselves as transgendered, mainly because of the slang term: tranny. A lot of them are not drama queens as some trannies are and I can see why they got upset. But unfortunately for them, the umbrella term, transgender, is just that. They're under that umbrella with everyone else that explores the "other side", whether they're straight, closeted heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual, bicurious, or after reading this, bye-bye.
L.M., Detroit, MI: I have been cross dressing since I was 8 years old. I dated through college and have a girlfriend that I would like to marry. The problem is, I have kept my “activities” a secret up to this point. Should I keep it that way or should I come out to her?
DEAR L.M.: This is one of the toughest concerns for nearly every transgender because not telling your girlfriend right up front could spell doom for your relationship once you’ve tied the knot. This is a touchy subject that should not be discussed over dinner in a restaurant, unless you like public scenes. A friend of mine came out to his current wife before they were married by taking photos of himself en femme and putting them in what he called his “pink book”. He invited his soon-to-be fiancée over for drinks and left the book on the coffee table. He excused himself to use the facilities and as intended, she soon spied the book and opened it. It took her less than a minute to figure out who the photos were of. When he returned, she confronted him about it and it made it a lot easier to tell her about his alter ego. She was intrigued with it but even more so, impressed with his honesty and the fact he confided in her about such a personal thing. Can you imagine how exciting their sex is after that?
I’m not saying this works for everyone. Unless you’ve got an open-minded girlfriend, it’s probably best to not even entertain the idea of proposing until she knows who you really are inside and out. As a transgendered individual, you know the kind of person you need to be with and it may take awhile to find that person. Don’t give up … they’re out there! There are more women than men in our world population, so if you’re looking to hook up with a genetic female as a mate, best to ask a lot of open-ended questions right up front and be honest!
The downside of course is to be prepared for the possibility of rejection and loss of relationship. Sorry, I wish I could paint a rosy picture here, but there is none. In my opinion though, honesty is the best policy. If you can’t be honest with yourself, how can you be with someone else?
A.F., Sacramento, CA: I have accumulated quite a wardrobe but after seriously scanning my closet, I sadly surmised that most of it is fantasy type stuff I only wear around my apartment. My goal is to eventually go out and hang out with other girls. Any suggestions?
DEAR A.F.: Most everyone in the TG community starts out in their mind as either a little girl or a teenager, unless they started crossdressing late in life. Don’t we all love to be “Britney” in the schoolgirl outfit? Unfortunately, when we “grow up” in our transgender lives and want to go play out in the community in which we live, we discover that our wardrobe is great for “home parties” but not for public outings. Be prepared for the fact that over 90% of transgenders who go out are “read” by the public due to lack of education, behavior training and most definitely, improper wardrobe!
The more fantasy gear you wear, the more obvious you become. That’s why it’s best to study the styles of clothes and makeup colors that are in season. If you want to attract unwanted attention to yourself, wear stuff that was in style ten years ago! I don’t advocate wearing “Britney” to anything but a Halloween party full of your transgendered friends or at least to a location that’s friendly and sympathetic to our kind.
You can also email our fashion coordinator for advice for your particular body type. I never advocate dressing frumpy for the first time out. If it was me, I would do the smart two-piece suit and pumps with a turtleneck; if it’s a casual outing, then smart-looking jeans and a nice, long-sleeved top. Pumps always look great under jeans! If you’re daring and clever with your breast form design, a low-cut camisole underneath, is definitely a great starter set that will be very flattering, depending on where you’re hanging out. Your underthings say a lot about who you are, so be conservative with what you wear that people can see. When wearing suits and skirts, stick with pantyhose … or wear pantsuits. Until you’re really comfy going out, leave the garters and stockings at home.
Be on the safe side when outing and stick with clubs that are TG friendly.
Travel in pairs or better yet, in groups, to play it safe! We don’t want you becoming another statistic for National Transgender Remembrance Day! Our soon-to-launch CherieAustinOnline.com site will have non-subscriber directories you can access to see which clubs fit into your agenda. We try to stay current with that list, since clubs have a tendency to change hands ... and sometimes, change to formats that aren’t friendly to us. Again, it’s best to study mannerisms of the opposite sex and practice, practice, practice.
If you happen to find a club that is friendly to TG’s, please let us know!
J.B., Mussel Shoals, AL: I am single, live in a small town where going shopping is a problem and so I have been buying all of my TG stuff on line. I have had problems with some of the clothes I get off of the Internet because they don’t really explain the sizes too well and the things I end up getting are either too small or too large. What do I do to achieve the desired results?
DEAR J.B.: One of the things I really wanted to achieve when I launched this website was to help solve the dilemma of individuals who want to properly “size” themselves. It’s so hard to shop on line when you don’t have a consultant that understands sizes and body types. This is one of the reasons our software designers are looking into an online device you can use to import your picture and make specific determinations based on sizing information you input into a form. In lieu of that, you can email our fitters at and they’ll be happy to entertain your questions and get you the right response as soon as possible; discreetly of course!
The other option is to go into your local Yellow Pages and look for smaller stores and boutiques and call in advance and ask them if they take appointments to fit men. Keep calling until you find one. I’m not guaranteeing that their clothing is going to be as moderately priced as what you’ll find on our site, but there are many stores out there that are starting to recognize transgendered individuals and many times, you’ll find a bargain or two! Always ask about the store’s return policy if it doesn’t fit. The reason I advocate calling in advance? If they seriously don’t cater to TG’s, they’re insensitive and you’re not going to get the kind of service we’re going to give you here! If you live in a small community, you may have to call the nearest large city where you’ll blend in and no one knows you.
I also DO NOT recommending going to bargain barns or Goodwill stores because of the awkwardness of trying stuff on, unless you’re really self-actualized and can handle the stares you’re going to get! As always, when emailing our fashion coordinator, please let us know if the email address you’re using is okay for return email. She’ll email you back as soon as possible with any questions and concerns you might have.